In all this analyzing we’ve been doing of the Paradox of Declining Female Happiness study, and the subsequent spinning of it courtesy of Marcus Buckingham and Maureen Dowd, there’s one point we’ve been pretty quick to gloss over: age.
Not for long.
I promise not to whine. But it does seem worthy of being addressed, don’t you think? I mean, two of the study’s key findings are that women grow less happy with their lives as they age, and that, by the time they reach age 47, they are overall less happy with their lives than are men with theirs. Hmmm.
For all his postulating, Buckingham didn’t bother giving the issue any more than the most cursory of acknowledgments:
Male mid-life crisis? [Ahem, Buckingham, read this.] A youth obsessed culture that is harder on women than men? The hormonal fluctuations of menopause?
Ya think?
Yet with that he drops the whole subject like a hot potato. Hardly unexpected: after all, the only thing less sexy than an unhappy 47 year-old woman is talking about why that unhappy 47 year-old woman is so darn unhappy.
Moving on.
(What? You think I’m going there? Maybe in a bit…)
But first, the requisite media scapegoating: Last week saw the premiere of a charming new show, which focuses on a single 40-something woman as its main character, and calls itself “Cougar Town.” Single female lead-of-a-certain-age notwithstanding, Cougar Town is no “Maude” (no “Weeds,” no “Closer”…): here, our heroine comes in the form of an amazingly well-preserved, stick thin, uber-beautiful Courtney Cox, on the prowl for a taste of much-younger man candy. (For the record, the leads on Weeds, the Closer, and any other modern-day show featuring a 40-something woman all seem to abide by one single, golden rule: sure, she can be 40-something, she just can’t look it.) Not that there’s anything wrong with seeking out some hot sex with a (very) able-bodied partner. On the contrary. But somehow, the message is off.
So, let’s review. Here’s a 40-something woman–beautiful, successful, self-sufficient. She has a sweet, healthy son, with whom she has a pretty good relationship. And yet. Here she is, measuring her worth in terms of sex appeal. Approval from the boys. Post-40!
(And, given all of that, back in the real world we’re supposed to be shocked about last week’s revelation of New Jersey’s Millburn High School’s “Slut List”–and the fact that the girls it named considered such dubious recognition a compliment?)
Problematic cougar messaging aside, let’s get back to the whole happiness goes down as age goes up thing. I haven’t even gotten into the gender inequities of aging (older men are sexy and distinguished while older women are saggy and without a sex drive; men having children into their 80s like Charlie Chaplin make for adorable anecdotes while older moms are considered selfish and reckless), because I don’t want to get caught up in the unfairness of it all–although it is, of course, wildly unfair. I think the more important point is this: when you live in a culture that doesn’t value older, naturally-aged women–to the point that the popular culture refuses to even show us what one looks like, it’s entirely possible that you’re not going to be so happy about becoming one. You might, in fact, be a little bit pissed off. (Again, why, exactly, is it called a Paradox?)
Then again, a lot of women claim to really come into their own with age. To be much happier; much less concerned with what anyone – let alone the big bad society – thinks.
But getting there is scary – probably, and maybe counterintuitively, scarier for us the younger we are. Why? Well, consider this: when you’ve absorbed the message that your value does nothing but go down as your age creeps up, every decision you make becomes that much more loaded, that much more stressful when played against the backdrop of a ticking clock. I’ve said it before, but I think it’s a huge part of why women’s decisions are so tough. We’ve gotten the message: Time is short. Choose wisely. And fast! You’re only going to be relevant for so long.
Of course, it’s up to each one of us whether we’re going to succumb to that or not. Lest you start worrying over your back-of-elbow fat, I’d like to leave you with a gem, courtesy of the New York Times’ Judith Warner:
“Cougar Town” – the whole Cougar phenomenon – perhaps taps into many women’s worst tendencies: their fears of getting older, losing sexual power, ending up on the slag heap of social desirability. But most women, I think, end up taking these feelings in stride. Most women in their 40s, however conflicted, however sometimes confused, aren’t actually spiraling into self-doubting despair, but are actually working their way toward some greater degree of self-acceptance. Many experience – along with the shift in body mass that pulls things down and pushes them sideways – a kind of psychic shift that frees up some of the energy that once went into external appearances. Many come into their own, creatively, professionally. And in motherhood, in friendships, in romantic relationships.
I’ll roar to that.
Barbara Kelley
Shannon Kelley
Now if only society could find a non-derogatory way to refer to women who are getting older and looking good and owning it. I cringe whenever I hear the word cougar. Especially when it comes out of the mouth of any man over 25. (the term was created to refer to older women prowling for YOUNGER men.) Why is it that when anyone sees a hot woman over the age of 35 or 40, the C-word has to come up? My personal belief is that men are threatened by older women who look good, and who can foray into yet another traditionally man’s world– dating someone 20 years their junior, and therefore not settling for the lovable fat balding bafoons we often see them with in sitcoms. Hey fellas, methinks it’s time to hit the gym!
maybe the way to refer to “women who are getting older and looking good” is REAL WOMEN.
Who came up with the term “cougar” anyway? Clearly no friend of mine — or of ANY real women. bk
I think older women can not be unhappy for as long as they lived their lives the way they wanted to. Most of the older women I know are ore witty because of their experiences in life.
You are so right that the only thing sadder than a 47 year old woman is a 47 year old woman explaining why she’s sad… You kind of have to find a way to get over yourself, though. Either you get older, or you die. It’s that simple. All you can do is find role models (babs is a good one), and think long and hard about what you want to do. And then do it. But that goes for any age, right?
That said, society’s view on ‘older women’ is outrageous.
Oh, I didn;t mean ‘you’ as in you! You don;t have to get over yourself at all!!
When I turned 30, I felt a surge of empowerment. Suddenly the angst of the 20s was out the door and I no longer had to be concerned with proving myself. I was a grown-up damn it, and embraced it with joy.
When I turned 40, the intervening 10 years brought marriage, children and two new countries. After spending my 30s thinking I was an independent thinker, my 40s have taken that to a deep knowledge. My life has ups and downs like the next person. But I know who I am. And no two-bit social commentator is going to tell me how or why I am happy or unhappy.
You hit the nail on the head. The sexuality, the shelf-life, the perceptions of wasting the time, the eggs. The older I get, the more ridiculous all that becomes.
I’m roaring with you sista.
When I turned 30, I felt a surge of empowerment. Suddenly the angst of the 20s was out the door and I no longer had to be concerned with proving myself. I was a grown-up damn it, and embraced it with joy.
When I turned 40, the intervening 10 years brought marriage, children and two new countries. After spending my 30s thinking I was an independent thinker, my 40s have taken that to a deep knowledge. My life has ups and downs like the next person. But I know who I am. And no two-bit social commentator is going to tell me how or why I am happy or unhappy.
You hit the nail on the head. The sexuality, the shelf-life, the perceptions of wasting the time, the eggs. The older I get, the more ridiculous all that becomes.
I’m roaring with you sista.
Sorry… forgot to say great post – can’t wait to read your next one!
Oddly, when I hit 40, I found the power to stand up to, or dismiss, for lack of a better word, “bullies.” I realized that the loudest talkers (in workplaces, communities, etc.) often know the least. But I do agree that, age-wise, men have it so much easier. Just yesterday my husband and I were talking about a man who had a super career, made lots of money on Wall Street, and retired at age 50. He married a woman 20 years his junior. They had three kids, whom they cared for at home together. Now he’s 70, and is having health problems. But he still has his wealth, children–and a younger wife to care for him. I pointed out that a woman couldn’t have that life plan–we have to build our careers, find a partner, have our children, care for our children, and make our fortunes all at the same time. Men can move through life’s milestones sequentially. Because of biology, and more so, societal norms, women can’t. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could get our education and training, work for a bit, step aside or slow down for a bit, and then be accepted back into the workforce full throttle once our kids are older? Because that’s not the norm, we all worry about leaving the workforce, getting older, being passed over and left behind.
[...] (Primetime television’s answer to the mature modern woman’s romantic conundrum? Cougar Town.) [...]
[...] every bit as much as sexism does, whether the tyranny of the ticking clock that Shannon wrote about here and here may be one reason why we agonize so much over our choices. Sure we’re raised to know [...]
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