It’s great to have options. But dealing with them can be a bitch.
This is a blog for anyone who has ever been overwhelmed by choice. And who hasn’t been? For the first time for women, all the doors are open. We can do whatever we want with our lives.
And yet. It’s not all rainbows and unicorns.
Far from it. And we’re out to explore why the generation of women who have more options than our mothers ever dreamed possible suffers from a terminal case of grass-is-greener syndrome, perpetually distracted by what we’re not doing. We’re stressed. Restless. Constantly second-guessing ourselves. Always wondering what we left behind Door Number Two. And we can’t figure out why.
It’s a sign of the times, with much of this unspoken angst revolving around the pressure to choose, something old-school feminists might never have predicted. So how do we get past it? A shift in perspective might be a good place to start. Boston Globe columnist Ellen Goodman may have said it best: “There is talk about too many pressures and too many choices, it’s as if the success of feminism was to blame, rather than its unfinished work.”
We’re up for getting on with the finishing, and we think the first step is to recognize our shared experience. So if this all sounds familiar, tell us about it.
Barbara Kelley
Shannon Kelley
Shannon and Barbara,
Thank you so much for this project! Yes, I swim in a sea of confusion over my options! Being a woman who feels she is unlimited, I’ve spent too much time debating my opportunities instead of picking one path and sticking with it. I can’t complain; life has been good. I do, however, feel concern that I might be overlooking the one thing that is my “calling.” From orchestra conductor to herpetologist to cartographer to photographer to writer, I’ve wanted to do it all. I also know that I can, we all can. Your project couldn’t have come along at a better time for most of us. Have you ever felt enormous satisfaction looking at a menu with only two or three dinner options? This is good when you like the choices, but not so good if you don’t. But a full menu isn’t any better when you don’t even know what you want (or when you want it all). Help!
Lauren Gonzalez
Editor/Writer
New York/California
Yes! That is why I always stuck with ordering the tuna fish sandwich; no agonizing!
Also, get your colors done and you can reduce your apparel choices by 75%; it is liberating.
And, have a really weird shoe size so 90 % of those cute shoes don’t come in your size anyhow. No point in obsessing over them.
One of my favorite things about being a woman, and about women in general, is how they tend to be better at adapting to change than men. I feel this is a real benefit when you look at the number of choices before us these days and plays well to the number of roles a woman plays in her life from daughter, to girlfriend, to partner, to career woman, to supporter, to mother, to mentor, etc etc!! Talk about choices! And talk about change….if a woman decides to become a mother, going in or out of the workforce, changing careers and even when your partner is in a stressful or demanding time (tax season –speaking from a wife of a CPA
! You have to bend and mold and be flexible to be successful in life and I see that women really tend to show this strength. No wonder we have so many choices before us…women rule. I say “Bring it ON”!!
What a relief to find that I’m not the only one who has experienced this phenomenon! I keep reading everything, thinking, “Yes, yes, yes!” My sister used to tease me that I was on the semester system in life because I was always moving and changing jobs. But really I was just worried that I was missing my “true calling” or not doing enough to fulfill my parents’ expectations after all that schooling. (Come to find out later that their only expectation was that I be happy.) Now I’m almost 40 and starting yet a new career (this one will be THE ONE . . . I hope). Looking back I can see how the choices and self-inflicted expectations led to a major paralysis in my mid-20′s. I’m curious to read more about other women’s experience of being paralyzed in the face of so many options. Thanks for starting this blog!!!
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I very much relate to the blog and to the sentiments of Laura Gonzalez and Ani above.
I am mostly happy with my job — its challenging and well-paid and flexible — but at the same time I constantly feel like I’m just dancing around in circles on the fringes of “the dream job.” I also struggle with how big and important a role I want career to play in my life anyway. I came out of law school thinking I wanted career to be my entire life, and the older I get, the less important career seems and the more important the rest of life seems.
However, these struggles are, in some way, exciting in and of themselves because after all, its because there are so many good choices!! I can dream, dream BIG, and I can make it happen if I want. So I’ll definitely sacrifice my struggling brain to benefit from the smorgasbord of choices I have!
I am 65 years old and have had the option to work or not work througout my marriage. For most of my years up to about 35 I used to worry about why I liked to change and explore new things and what was wrong with me that I could not find one goal or profession and stick to it for life like Georgia O’ Keefe did with her passion for painting. That has always facinated me. But, at around 40, I decided to accept that this is just who I am, not to apologize any more for my change of interest and passions.
I have continued to and hope to never stop changing, learning and growing as the years go on and love it that way. I am thrilled women have the opportunities we do and have the choice to pick and choose. I feel as long as we are growing and learning and not stuck in our thinking then there is no need to apologize. My passions, accomplishments and interest span from graphoanalysis to publishing a book, gardening, reading and travel, and volunteering in an orpanage in Rwanda! Neither my grandmother or my mother would have ever had these options. I am not confused at all, just grateful that I am living in a time where I can do and be. I love having choices!
Dottie Webster
[...] women and their choices: “I am 65 years old and have had the option to work or not work throughout my marriage. …Up to [...]
I am a 30 year old mother of two who has definately suffered from the “grass is greener” syndrome. After my daughter was born, I chose to stay at home with my children while pursuing an education. I not only became extreamely depressed, because I felt that I should be “doing it all” (work, school, housewifing, and mothering), but I percieved critism from other women for my choice. I felt like I was worthless. I did not appreciate my life and the wonderfull oppurtunity that I had to be with my children. I was more concerned with what I thought I should be doing, then with what I had chosen to do. I felt that there was something wrong with me, because I could not be the “supermom” (al a Claire Huxtable) that is portrayed on television as the epitome of womanhood.
When I finally decided that I needed a job, I spent the whole time that I was at work wishing that I was at home with my kids. I worried about their allergies, and felt left out when the daycare provider told me funny stories about their day. I figured out that my choice to be at home with my children did not make me any less of a moderne woman. I currently stay home with my children, because it is what works best for our family. I figured out that I should do what is best for myself and my family- regardless of what other people (meaning my college girlfriends) say.
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I think this blog is great! It reminds me of a book I read — The Paradox of Choice: Why More is Less by Barry Schwartz. While the book discusses having (too many) options most evident in consumerism (e.g. we can have boot, straight, flared fit for jeans. acid wash? stone wash? sand wash? etc), the discussion also grazes on sociological analysis. Most notable is the topic of the “quarter life crisis,” where those in the twenty-year-old range are disappointed and restless with whatever their choices are, whether it be continuing in higher education or choosing a career.
Having choices is great!! But, it apparently requires a certain type of approach, otherwise one could get overwhelmed.
As a fresh graduate (bachelor’s degree), I feel exceptionally at peace with myself, my post-education decisions, and feminism. I proudly proclaim myself as a feminist; I make sure to dispel stereotypes of feminists to friends, family, men and women alike.
No matter where I am in a decade, either raising a family or involved with my work, I’m ready to be happy and satisfied with it.
[...] a way, it reminded me of this comment, from [...]
[...] About this blog [...]
[...] About this blog [...]
I am now a SAHM . . . with a Master’s degree . . . who came of age in the late 1970s.
Every time I scrub a toilet I mutter to myself about how I feel the Women’s Movement let me down. An education was supposed to liberate me from mind-numbing housework . . . or at least enable me to pay some other woman to do it for me.
I don’t mean to be glib. But I can’t shake that feeling.
Hi Shannon & Barbara,
I’m the editor of DailyWorth.com, a daily personal finance email for women.
We’re going to refer to the “Likability” post this coming week (most likely Tuesday) in a piece about ambition, and link to this blog.
My address is above if you have questions. It’s a great piece and we should probably be on each other’s radar!
Thanks,
MP
[...] About this blog [...]
Very cool idea for a blog! In fact, my roommate and I were just discussing the myriad of options for everyone. It can be easy to get stuck in the quest for doing the “right” or the “perfect” job rather than focus on the excitement of limitless possibilities to actually do what we want to do. I guess the follow-up step is courage. Courage to walk into a life that really fits…whatever that may be. Look forward to reading more!
I’m so happy I stumbled upon your blog; I also just began reading your book and love it! I can relate so much because these are the issues I’ve been dealing with as a “twentysomething” year old. I really think you hit the nail on the head. I graduated from college a little over a year ago and started my first “real” job. Everyone tells me I should be happy having a good job, etc., but I’m currently in a place of being unfulfilled & wanting to find that next and perfect “dream job” I’ve always wanted. But once I get that job, I know I’ll be searching for the next “best” job; does it ever end?! I’m constantly analyzing whether my decisions just out of college placed me in the right position to meet my career goals. Not to mention the decisions we are faced with outside of career choices (such as relationships) and all of the outside pressures from the generations who may not have had these endless options to choose from– it can drive a woman crazy! I look forward to reading the rest of your book, and I’m happy to know I’m not alone in this!