So. How’s this for ridiculous? One of the most life-changing, loaded, and deeply personal choices a woman can face is that over whether or not to have children. Rather than listing them, let’s just acknowledge that the pros and cons could go on forever. Let’s also acknowledge that one of the most significant cons of having children might be the impact on a woman’s career; moms with young children are often passed over for promotions, while childless women of childbearing age are often passed over as well, on the grounds that they’ll likely have children soon. Despite the fact that fathers’ roles have begun to change as they’ve become more involved in child-rearing, work-life balance is still considered a women’s issue. And yet. A recent study by Lancaster University prof Dr. Caroline Gatrell found that some employers see their female employees who don’t want children as wanting in some “essential humanity,” and view them as
“cold, odd and somehow emotionally deficient in an almost dangerous way that leads to them being excluded from promotions that would place them in charge of others.”
Wow. It’s enough to make me think conspiracy.
It also makes me think of Barbara’s post from yesterday, about the obnoxious way in which Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor was condescended to, and the equally obnoxious critiques Surgeon General nom Regina Benjamin has had to endure regarding her weight. But this is not a rant, I promise. Because the thing that strikes me about all of it has to do with choices, and why women in particular find them so difficult. I think often, when deep in the throes of a which-way-should-I-go, part of the angst is the knowledge that, no matter which way we go, we will be judged. In all sorts of ways. We’re judged in ways that men aren’t, and in ways that are often contradictory. And, the damnedest truth of all, we often do it to each other. But we can’t just take our ball (or lack of same) and go home — nor should we. So the question becomes, what do we do?
Barbara Kelley
Shannon Kelley
Could not have said it better myself.
This is why more women should go into business for themselves. The only way to change the rules is to play a different game.
I was JUST talking about this last night…with a woman that does not want to have kids but wants to build a home and keep her fabulous PR career…what I really want you to know…is that I’ve started to write. I’ll keep you posted 🙂
“Despite the fact that fathers’ roles have begun to change as they’ve become more involved in child-rearing”
Actually, a “study” confirmed that mens’/fathers’ roles have NOT changed in decades.
Great article though. Found you from a comment on the HuffPost!!!
I feel great disappointment in the stalled “Women’s Rights” movement, and as a 32 y/o working black woman who just had my first baby last year, I am especially disappointed at how frequently my white female coworkers are quitting once they get married or pregnant. This reflects bad on ALL women of childbearing age, despite the fact that the 3 black women from my office have all returned post-maternity and that Black Women generally do not exit the workforce upon becoming mothers. Most of the head honchos (all white men) view all the younger women the same, and they don’t any of us serious or promote us because of the trend of the white young women retreating to “home and hearth”.
Ultimately, I’ve come to feel that women are completely devalued in our culture, not much different from the way Saudi and Afghan culture devalues women. We have the “illusion” of freedom, yet no real freedom or equality. The catch is, WOMEN are the ones who mostly devalue women, as deep down we don’t really like each other. I’ve listened to so so many “feminist” women complain about how their husbands don’t do household chores or laundry or cook or childrearing, and I want to scream “WHY are you tolerating that?!”
Yes, equality starts in the home, we all have to EAT and somebody has to parent the children, and women who seek to get ahead in life MUST demand total equality in the home. My husband does daycare drop-off/pick-ups, my husband takes days off work when the baby is sick or needs to go to the doctor, my husband does probably 60% of the household chores because I contribute in ways that he is incapable of such as breastfeeding the baby and keeping the “mental lists” such as remembering to send thank-you cards to the folks who give us X-mas gifts or making photo-albums/scrapbooks to preserve the memories of our son’s babyhood etc. Why aren’t more women demanding respect in their own households?
Sadly, women don’t care about equality I’ve come to believe, they only want to be “the princess” who gets rescued and is fed/clothed/housed by a man.
I was just reading a series of posts by fathers on a forum for adoptive parents. The men were complaining (and rightly so) about how their role in their adoption efforts had been mitigated to secondary, at best. That the powers that be sought out their wives (for the straight, married fathers) for decision making, even when the fathers objected and stated, “listen, I’m equally capable of discussing this child with you” !
So whether there are or aren’t major changes in fathers’ roles, I see that there are first hand. My husband also is a reflection of this, but I won’t digress here.
Found you on a comment on Huffpost.
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