Be authentic. What does that even mean, anyway? Not a whole hell of a lot, according to Stephanie Rosenbloom in this Sunday’s New York Times. The word, she says, has been watered down to the point of meaninglessness, like so many white wine spritzers. Everyone from Anderson Cooper to Sarah Ferguson to Katie Couric to Michelle Bachmann to the Pope have claimed the descriptor, generally while in the service of selling themselves. (Sales. What’s more inauthentic than that?)
And, as Rosenbloom’s piece points out and as we’ve written before, we’re complicit in this faux-thenticity, too. Think about your Facebook profile–and now imagine what it would look like if it were truly authentic. Take mine, for example: instead of that cute profile pic of me smiling broadly in New Orleans alongside a status update alluding to a highbrow day of writing, my pic might show me sitting at my computer, in the chair I’ve spent so much time in, I’ve literally worn the finish off of it. And if I were to be authentic about it, today’s status update–rather than being glamorous, pithy, or intelligent–might read: Unshowered. Writer’s block. Dining on a spoonful of peanut butter. Had I documented my status last night, I would have seemed the epitome of uncool, when my neighbor’s band practice inspired not my admiration of his creativity or his nascent musical skills, but a lengthy debate on whether or not to call the cops. (I didn’t. Score another one for inauthenticity. They were more terrible than they were loud–and they were window-rattlingly loud.)
Writing in the New York Times Magazine, Peggy Orenstein once confessed that, while spending some glorious time with her little girl listening to E.B. White reading Trumpet of the Swan, a nasty thought intruded: How will I tweet this? She admits that the tweet she decided on (“Listening to E.B. White’s Trumpet of the Swan with Daisy. Slow and sweet.”) was “not really about my own impressions. It was about how I imagined—and wanted—others to react to them.”
Marketing folks might say we’re branding ourselves in our profile pictures, our status updates, our tweets. We say that maybe we’re feeding the iconic self, the self-image we’ve constructed, which, in ways big and small, is the face of our great expectations. (She’s kind of a tyrant, too.) So why do we do it? Are we so desperate for approval that we’d rather pretend to be someone else than our, ahem, authentic self? Women, after all, are raised to be pleasers. Do we feel guilty about veering off the pre-approved path? Where did we become convinced that the faux is any more acceptable than the real? And why, oh why, do we so readily buy into the idea that the images everyone else is presenting are any more real than our own?
Why is it so hard to embrace the idea that, as Wavy Gravy–he of LSD and ice cream fame–put it, we’re all just bozos on the bus, so we might as well sit back and enjoy the ride?
…which is well and good in theory, but who wants to admit to being a bozo? We have images to uphold! And whatever your role, the performance is remarkably similar. Someone asks how you’re doing; you say fine. You ask her; she says fine. Fine, then! We worry what other people think (though we’d never admit it), and, of course, we want to be happy, confident, competent, and successful. So we pretend we are. And, compounding the issue is the fact that the happy, confident, competent, successful self is the self everyone else shows to us, too, which compels us to keep our dirty little secret under even deeper wraps. If she (and she and she) has it together, what the hell is the matter with me??
It’s the open secret Rumi wrote about (and to which Elizabeth Lesser makes beautiful reference here), yet, centuries later, we still feel compelled to keep. And that’s understandable. Who wants to admit to being afraid, uncertain, overwhelmed, clumsy, neurotic, or prone to saying the wrong thing? The thing is, though, all of those things are part of the human condition–and those things and the good things aren’t mutually exclusive. And so why should claiming them be a negative? On the contrary: I think there’s a promise of something pretty awesome that comes when we’re able to own it all. The sky doesn’t fall, but, like the curtain hiding the Wizard of Oz, the blinders do.
And then what might we see? Well, for one thing, maybe a willingness to own our complex, dualistic, not always delightful but utterly human nature can make our choices a little bit clearer. With no one to impress, no images to uphold, we’ve got a lot less to factor in. There’s a freedom there. And power, too: because when we are willing to come out of the I’m Fine! closet, maybe our friends will join us. And that, I’d bet, would make for one hell of a party.
Very interesting perspective on perception vs. “reality” here — I’m a fan.
This is something I do routinely contemplate. As a freelance writer with a blog based on my bat-sh*t crazy life, I am developing an author’s platform. And that platform should carry consistent messages throughout the different media — from the blog to FB to Twitter and beyond.
But on each, I highlight slightly different aspects of my life — making the message match the medium, in effect.
But the “real” reality? That’s probably best saved for those convos that occur only in my mind. Often…
😉
I would argue that each social medium is just that — a channel through which we essentially market ourselves to the world. Even leaving comments on blogs serves this very function. The “truth” of life is a larger compilation of all of these channels — like a patchwork of our thoughts and words and pictures as depicted on diverse media outlets.
Thank you for this timely read. Has been on my mind much lately and I couldn’t have said it better. Well written.
So glad I found this on the “Freshly Pressed” page. Wonderfully written, and wonderfully true. Thanks for writing this.
The problem is that no one wants to HEAR if you are not fine; eyes glaze over and the subject is changed. It’s like that movie, “Surrogates,” where no one really looks like themselves anymore. The brave souls who present themselves as they are are seen as losers. Signed, Another Loser
I love this post. I believe that people have always put forth their inauthentic selves, but with the advent of FB and twitter, it’s 1000% easier to do so 24/7. Which is kind of sad…but also incredibly convenient.
I’ll be the first to admit I’m a huge bozo. 🙂
The whole concept of your blog is intriguing, and enjoyed this post as well… very thought-provoking.
Great article! Thanks for sharing 🙂
Thank you for the wonderful reflection.
Once you do try to be your self and strip down the defense, for it is a defense, of trying to paint the perfect image of yourself you will feel relief. Unfortunately nothing around you will ever be the same again.
Peter Tosh made a point that I like which makes it a little easier to be yourself:
“I am not in this world to live up to your expectations,
neither are you here to live up to mine”.
Looking at things that way you don´t really have to be what others want you to be, even though it is easier said than done.
Also a bozo 😉
Great ideas, thanks for sharing. I think as bloggers we tend to leave out the ‘real’ parts of ourselves and our lives in an effort to maintain our audience’s interest- I know I do this. This is because we are aspirational creatures and know our audiences to be so also. As Judithotnot says, people don’t want to read about our problems or mundane issues- just as no one would want to watch a film or read a book about a day in the life of an average Joe in an average job. People read blogs to escape and be inspired.
On the other hand I think you are on to something with regard to being real and authentic- blogreaders aren’t stupid- they can tell if someone is genuine or ‘faux-thentic’ (love that word!) and the most successful writers tend to be those who are open, share aspects of themselves and have an approachable, informal tone. Food for thought indeed!
I suppose a lot of my online presence is superficial; I tend to share a lot of information (photos, news articles, etc), but do not create a lot of information.
So far, so good. I’m not sure I’m ready to share my life with Facebook “friends”.
As the saying might go, “You took the words right out of my brain.” In this age, of many claiming to be perfect, reminds me of a next door neighbor of many years. She is on her second term as one of our city council members. Several years ago, when she seen me in public, amidst a Rotary weekly meeting, she ran up to me, and threw her arms around my neck, with a full body hug, no less, and hollered, “Oh John! my favorite neighbor.” When I see her in our front yard after that, she would barely speak to me. With folks like this, “It is all about the show, but with no level of sincerity in their hearts.” Typical of today’s politicians! Congrads on being chosen for FP. Wonderfully written and well timed.
I became a humorist writer because I wasn’t fine! By the time I reached the age of 63, I realized that so many things didn’t add up that should have had the platitudes and promises been true. So I stripped off everything that I could detect was false (from being a great mother to being a fabulous Evangelical Christian) and began writing humorous stories about myself and my worldview from the bottom of the trash heap looking out. It not only produced a memoir but it has given me a blog that, at the very least, brings laughter to the hearts of those who read it (think a Black Bridget Jones marries Chris Rock and has Whoopi Goldberg as a child). I either had to stop pretending or go crazy. I chose the latter. I’ve got to tell you — I’m feeling good :>)!
Thanks so much for sharing, I’d never really thought about that. Great post and congrats on being freshly pressed!!
http://howficklemyheart.wordpress.com
Wow.. This seems like a book I need to read. Finding a career, path, purpose, direction in Life has been grueling. No. Grueling doesn’t fit. Hell.
deff got me thinking on that read, thanks
I think (and please correct me if I’m wrong) that it’s just about putting on a face to meet the faces that we see. Most people really are most happy with the masks – they like the “fine’s”. If they didn’t get “fine’s” they would actually find themselves having to respond to something real. Let’s be honest we are so caught up in our little worlds that we really just want to deal with the post-card-image of others. That’s why I distinguish (strongly) between friends and aquaintances. Friends are people that see my appartement in turmoil and me in dirty soggy comfy stretch pants (inside and out), aquaintances get the make-up self (also inside and out). This is not because I don’t trust them to see the real me or because I want to live up to a certain standart but because I value my feelings to high to share them with someone who could care less. You have to earn the right to see me and not my brand. I think what you are describing is selective privacy in an overly open world. I don’t see anything wrong with it. Liked the article though and congrats on making fresh pressed.
I totally concur.. Well said!!
Very insightful thoughts. I was so glad to see this on the freshly pressed page, as this very topic was something my roommate and just discussed the other evening.
Authenticity, and the willingness to show the ugly, or at least boring aspects, alongside with the glorified adventures is really the only way to be at peace with ourselves. And we can’t even begin to cultivate peace with others if we can’t be at peace with ourselves.
Thanks for posting this! It is so important to remember in the age of status updates
Very interesting points of view, all true in fact. I recently read “Virtually You” written by a psychiatrist . He describes how mental illnesses have increased more than 50% since the advent of the internet because in the internet we can invent someone other than ourselves or someone who you want to be. So, we have become a country of split personalites.
Interesting post. I certainly suffer from the “grass is greener” syndrome. However, I also recognize that if I didn’t have that in me I wouldn’t have made so many positive changes in my life. It’s necessary for us to recognize that it’s our perpetual discontent that spurs us to improve our lives.
I think this post of very well written, nice job. I am sad by the content and perspective however. I believe we cheat the world when we show up as superficial, unauthentic shells. While I cannot totally disagree with the thoughts that others don’t want to hear the truth when we ask how someone is- “I’m fine” I must argue that we are created to be so much more to one another. Take off the mask and let your true light shine!
Great Post !!
Interesting article. I have always felt that if people can accept life and themselves for what is, or as my friend puts it, “it is what it is”, then there would be more compassion in the world. There are a lot of people with incredible capacities to embrace people and situations with such immense intensity and love, yet at the same time there are many who know not the word kindness. We hear it throughout our lives and will pick up those books that someone drops or say “hi” to that stranger we pass, but do we really live kindness? When we are vulnerable, all of us at the same time, we would be more understanding of each other as individuals so the next time we ask that “other” person, “how are you”, we will be more willing to truly find out the true welfare of our counterpart.
the same feeling with you.
authenticity have become a word being used for promotion yet without any meaning. in addition, people never think it about when just speaking it out.
Grass is greener indeed – my neighbors waste tons of water on their lawn. Oh,wait, you mean as a woman one always feels guilty about everything? I guess not only I can’t take care of my lawn, I am not a woman either.
The older I become, the more I realize that nobody really cares what anybody else does, feels, or needs.
Congratulations on being Freshly pressed!
It’s interesting to talk about identity, as you say we are bound to function some way in society. Unique or stereotypical its all the same…but now what of the people who feel like nothing in this new world of our…what do they say they were looking back on their lives 10, 15, or 20 years from now?
Great writing, and thought provoking. So is this really you or only another part of you? 🙂
I think I agree with what kianys said about depicting your true self only to people who truly care rather than putting it out there for everyone…but I truly enjoyed this blog, and many congrats for Freshly Pressed! I’m off to read some more of your blogs…just from reading the headline/concept I’m intrigued.
I agree with you! I think what scares me the most about this, is that this isn’t just social networking. It’s this fear of being real. Even in the closest relationships, everyone hides something. Whether intentional or not.
happyblossoms reblogged this from happyblossoms and commented:
get real 🙂
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I’m glad I found this post– great read.
way to go sistah!! i wanna be at that party x
A great article, nicely written and very “Authentic” I must say…..Thanks for Sharing……
I hate any kind of phoniness in real life, but I think it’s necessary if you want to succeed in life, particularly at work. It’s those with the ‘gift of the gab’ as they say here in Ireland – those who shout loudest, have the ability to talk the birds out of the trees, brown-nose the boss and sweet-talk a sale who really seem to get ahead. I find the whole thing kind of depressing actually!
Hi random stranger here – saw your post on Freshly Pressed. Interesting blog & great post – re “someone asks how you’re doing; you say fine. You ask her; she says fine. Fine, then!” Love it, SO true! But let’s face it: being truly authentic means being honest with ourselves and others which requires a certain level of self-awareness and ability to take personal responsibility. And I just can’t see that happening! Far better to just carry on with our ‘Truman Show” 🙂
how true , i think about this all the time too. why are we all into so much of pretence. but i guess, that is because, the world is afteral an illusion, and we can only be true to ourselves. in front of the whole world ,we merely feel like putting a show and human nature compels us to do things to make others like us, in our dealings with others, we use only our brains, not our inner self..it is only when we are dealing with ourselvesthat we are absolutely truthful and honest to what we are and who we are and what we are upto..
in this context let me refer you to my own write up ..
http://sonawasa.wordpress.com/2011/09/11/no-one-else/
It’s all a game isn’t it? What we think other people want to read vs what we really want to write. Great post!
I chuckled when I read your comments about facebook! Don’t we all just put the good things on there because we want to put our best foot forward? We want people to see the good in us, not the ugly or the struggles. We want people to accept us, so we present what we think they want to see and hear. I put sunrise pictures of the beach on facebook, not pictures of the trash people neglect to pick up when the leave. I put comments about fun or interesting things, not boring, everyday, or sad things.
I wish it were true that we lived in a world where we could be authentic with who we are and where we are emotionally, etc.; but I honestly don’t know how many people (outside of those who know us and love us for who we are) would be accepting of that. We live in a world where most people just want to hear “I’m fine” in response to the question “How are you?”
Interesting, and sad. My writing has always been distinguished by my willingness to show the darker and messier bits many people want to ignore, or are scared to admit — but all of us have and all of us feel. In writing for a national women’s magazine about a difficult relationship with my mother, (not some saccharine fake happy tale but the much tougher truth), I knew many readers could identify.
I wrote about being bullied in high school for USA Today precisely because I knew how few “successful” people would dare self-identify as having been the ugly/fat/disliked person treated so badly — while many of us are bullied, or our kids are, and we don’t speak openly about the very real emotional pain it causes.
Only by daring to be real, honest and open about who we really are can we ever communicate clearly, and create, and enjoy, empathy.
There are bloggers who would like to keep them selves anonymous. Its always good to add a personal aspect to your blogging. I like the way this article is drafted.
Excellent wrting, and congrats to WordPress for recognizing that. Many of the comments are just as insightful.
I’ve recently made a serious, probably irreversible life mistake that has forced me to reevaluate every last minute detail of my existence. My answer to the question “how are you” is “miserable.” But people don’t want to hear that, especially if you say it more than once. People expect you to either fix what’s wrong or pretend it’s not wrong. And not infrequently, their reaction to an admission of being anything less than “fine” is anger or impatience, as well as a lecture about how much worse their experience has been and how they simply overcame all difficulties.
You’re right, though; there is awesomeness to owning the whole shebang. That ownership becomes salvation.
Very well written — and thought provoking! Thanks!
Really impressed with your article. It was thought-provoking and touched on an issue I think many of us struggle with. I find it so disheartening when I answer people’s “How are you?” with an honest “I’m struggling” and see the friendliness fade from thier eyes. For some reason people seem to be uncomfortable with the truth.
That reminds me of a story my dad used to like to tell. He said he was walking through the mall, and some old guy made eye contact, and my dad said, “Hey, how ya’ doin’.” And the old guy asked, “Are you sincere?” My dad, flummoxed, paused for a moment. “Yeah, I reckon.” “Then, I’m doing just fine.” My dad never realized how impersonal such a very personal question–“How are you?”–had become.
I like this!
What makes it most difficult to be real is when those around you are not being real. Bozos unite!
I think everyone is unique and has their own story to tell. I think we can all be authentic and original if we stay honest because we all ‘look’ at things differently. And I too have LOL at some of my friends Facebook posts – sometimes I think…Hey I know you people – you guys are never this happy or Godly!!
Good point. I’ve often said “It’s a phony’s world.”
I enjoy this post. Your writing style compels me to return. ^_^
I am so glad that I stumbled upon this! In essence you organized my hectic thoughts of the past few weeks, and put them into a wonderful read. Exactly what I needed to hear!
Good content!
[…] recently read something about how people, and women in particular, can’t help but present only the absolute best […]
thought provoking, mind you I prefer perception. It’s often prettier than reality LOL
Very interesting. Not what I expected from the title. But I’d say that often we are not “authentic” is more for self validation.
“Faux” is empty, valueless and not the road to happiness and:
The Sterility of Hyperbole.
In ‘Westernised’ societies we are in a time of rampant hyperbole. It is hurled at us at every opportunity supposedly to make us feel good, or because the hurler hopes to gain from making us feel good. We too embrace hyperbole in the hope of feeling good. However, in reality this is a fruitless, if fleeting, embrace because this feeling is as fickle as a breeze on a still day.
In these times we search madly for ‘fun’, we are inundated by smiling, laughing faces and contrived laughter – all exaggerated; we are attracted to what once were ‘stars’ but are now ‘superstars’ and there are thousand of living ‘icons’ who are worshipped more than ancient religious icons and just about everything is described in superlatives that have improved upon previous superlatives! This is the massive con of hyperbole that we both accept and enjoy in the mistaken belief that it makes us happier. This is self- delusion.
There are many who will perceive what I have said here as negative, for a variety of reasons, but perception does not alter reality. Discounting physics, reality is neither negative nor positive – only the perception of it is one or the other.
Rather than succumb to the pursuit of the ephemeral ‘feel good’ feeling one would do well to pursue a course that brings true, permanent happiness – and that cannot be found in worldly things.
Ω
great post….:)
[…] lot of us to edit our lives, only depicting the happy, exciting, entertaining moments we have, and another that echoed similar thoughts about how inauthentic we are when portraying our lives via social […]
I love this post! Very true. I am ‘myself’ with my close friends but for everyone else I’m “fine”. And, I plan to keep it that way. No one but close friends need to know my business.
Once I shared something personal with friends out of my close-circle and it back-fired on me big time (basically I told them how I wasn’t ‘fine’ and they started freaking out like I was having an emergency!). So, if people are used to you being ‘fine’, be careful if you tell them surprisingly that you’re not- they may think something extreme has happened! It ended up being so stressful for me that I had to explain more in detail and reassure more than once that “I am fine”.. so was back to ZERO where I shoudla’ stayed.
D
[…] in the pictures that will inevitably appear on Facebook the next day. No joke. And let’s get real: When was the last time you posted anything that was less than, well, cute and witty. Sure, we […]
It’s in our genes. Don’t forget that pack animals (wolves, dogs, etc.) have a basic instinct to “keep up appearances.” They HAVE to appear well and not sick. Otherwise the pack will abandon them. So even a sick or injured animal will often just “suck it up” and try to keep up, for fear of being left behind to die.
“Keep up appearances” and “appear to be well” – very true. As a parent whose son was killed by a drunk driver, I have learned that it falls to a bereaved parent to put forth the appearance that “I’m fine” if s/he wants to have people around them. If grief is too deep or continues too long (according to the “others”), then the bereaved parent is left alone for grieving. Shouldn’t be that way, but it sometimes is…
[…] learned that it’s okay to be ourselves. To be true to our very own wants and needs. To be authentic. To ditch what we call the iconic self. To live up to no one’s expectations but our own. And […]